note: I do not own any characters in this story.
They all belong to Nintendo. If you think I should own them,
send hate mail to Nintendo explaining how I am far more creative,
intelligent and… er… cool than them. And then
they’ll like me a lot more.
Before I begin, I would like to explain why I wrote this story.
To date, I have published three stories so far, one an obvious
parody/rant, and two which consisted of vague plot lines and
random humour. I am now going to try to attempt the impossible,
and write a non-random funny story. That’s right, you
won’t see the phrase “peanut moon” even
once in this entire story! Correction, “peanut moon”
appears once now. Make that twice.
“Why?”, the 1.62 of you who care ask. Well, that’s
because I’ve decided that I’m going to call all
characters male until someone tells me I’m wrong so
th… do you want me to skip straight to the story? I
thought as much. So without any further Ado: (get it?
Ado? ha ha ha ha ha not funny)
Here we go…
Okay, here I go…
Kirby: A pink spherical male with rosy cheeks and an
appetite which is almost insatiable (a couple of planets might
do the trick). He is not, repeat not, a cream puff. I don’t
even know what a cream puff is. However, I can safely say
that he is a pink spherical male with rosy cheeks and an almost-insatiable
appetite. He seems like a friendly person, and he looks adorable.
King Dedede: A frog who looks and acts like a penguin,
but is really a frog. A blue frog. With a beak. And wings.
It seems as if Dedede is also quite generous when choosing
his own meals, judging by his waistline and the whole gourmet
race scenario. He has a big mallet. If the mallet is on top
of you, that’s bad.
Waddle Dees: They’re cute.
Rick: A hamster.
Coo: An owl.
Kine: A blue and yellow fish.
Pitch: A very, very small green bird (remember, Kirby
is only about 18cm tall). He looks angry a lot of the time.
Chuchu: A pink octopus wearing a red ribbon. She’s
Nago: A cat. (Very imaginative descriptions, eh?)
Gooey: A blue blob, who is like Dark Matter, but a good
guy. (That is, his eyes look totally out of place like Dark
Matter, but he’s small and easy to knock away with a
Dark Matter: Some evil thing. “Dark matter”
sounds better, all considered. Dark Matter can possess everybody
in the entire universe except for Kirby because Kirby is pink.
Kirby: Did I mention he wears red shoes?
Nightmare: I’m sure there’s something really
funny I could say about its name, but I can’t think
of it. Pretend I said it anyway.
Grill: A cowgirl turnip. No, I don’t believe that
Ado: Magical painter. It is quite likely that Ado and
Adeline are one and the same, so Ado will be considered a
female in this story (as not even the creative mind behind
the Kirby franchise would give a male a name like that).
Chef Kawasaki: A chef. Wearing a chef’s hat. He’s
good with a frying pan.
Jennifer: A character who has no relevance to the story,
but was included because she sounds real cool.
Kirby: And his jester hat when he becomes Beam Kirby
is really cute.
Tick: I know that naming conventions differ, so I’ll
make this clear: they’re the little cute guys with red
pointed spike hats of death. You don’t want to be above
them at any given moment.
Poppy brothers: They’re all very joyful and evil.
And they run around on apples.
Nruff: Sooooo cute!
Kirby: And in those N64 games where he says “Hii!”
it just makes me cry in joy.
Okay, I’ll shut up now.
Act 1 - Establishment; Introduction; Setting
Our story begins beneath, of all things, an apple tree. This
wasn’t just any old apple tree, mind you. This was Whispy
Woods, a young apple tree. (Or so he’d have us believe.)
Beneath him were two people: King Dedede and Dark Matter.
Dark Matter had learnt that it was extremely rude to possess
random bystanders, and was constantly trying to improve his
“Excuse me,” said Dark Matter. “May I possess
“No thank you,” replied King Dedede.
“I can’t say no to a polite person,” said
King Dedede, shrugging.
But before Dark Matter could take over Dedede, a Warp Star
went flying by and hit Dedede in the head, knocking him out
“Oh dearie me,” said Dark Matter. “What
am I to do?”
Many months later…
“I know,” said Dark Matter. “I’ll
possess someone else.” And with that, he went off. To
possess someone else.
A few minutes later…
Kirby was sitting under Whispy Woods with his female friend…
hmm… come to think of it, there aren’t many female
characters on Pop Star, are there?
…Nago’s a cat. He’d do.
So anyway, Kirby and Nago were sitting under Whispy Woods,
kissing passionately- no, it doesn’t work. Kine is too
noncommittal, and I can’t use Dedede for the sake of
plot continuity, so… Chuchu! Yes, Kirby was sitting
under the apple tree kissing Chuchu passionately. Why? Because
they were good friends. Why? I don’t know!
“Could you kiss a little bit more quietly?” yawned
Whispy. “I’m trying to sleep.”
“Trees don’t sleep,” said Chuchu suspiciously.
“True,” said Whispy Woods. “I’ll just
watch you two kiss then.”
Kirby and Chuchu glanced at each other momentarily before
edging away ever so slowly.
“Don’t go!” said Whispy Woods, trying to
give chase. “I’ll-” He realised he was rooted
to the spot. In his attempts to follow, an apple went flying
from his leaves, and went flying onto Kirby’s head.
Kirby being the bouncy fellow he is, the apple ricocheted
off and landed on Chuchu’s head before tumbling to earth
(or Pop Star, if you’d prefer).
This is where the plot complication begins.
You see, Kirby noticed the apple falling on his head but failed
to notice it landing on Chuchu’s head. Chuchu conversely
noticed the apple landing on her head but did not realise
that it also landed on Kirby’s head. This led to some
“HOW DARE YOU DROP AN APPLE ON MY HEAD!?” yelled
Kirby at Chuchu.
“Oh sure, twist the truth,” said Chuchu, readying
her tentacles for some punching fun!
“YOU TOLD WHISPY TO THROW IT AT ME!”
“Did not! Whispy threw it at me because you asked him
Whispy Woods interrupted. “Pardon me, but as a matter
of fact, the app-”
“Shut up,” said Chuchu in her special death threat
“Yes’m,” said Whispy Woods meekly.
“You listen to me,” said Chuchu, pushing Kirby
against a rock. “You may think you’ve gotten away
with it, but I swear you’ll be sorry that you ever tried
throwing apples at me.”
“You threw the apple at me!” said Kirby. “And
I have the ice cream to prove it!” He pulled out an
ice cream cone from behind his back and ate it.
The two of them looked angrily at each other. Then they stormed
off. Chuchu headed back to the grassy plains of Green Greens.
Kirby went back to Whispy.
“Could I have more apples?” he said.
“Fine,” sighed Whispy Woods. “But promise
me that you two will make it all up and become good fri-”
Kirby snatched a few ripe apples and ran for it.
“Am I the only person here with the slightest sign of
wisdom?” sighed Whispy Woods.
“No,” yelled Coo as he flew past. “I’m
wise too, wise guy. Get it, wise guy? Because it’s an
insult too? And we’re both wis-” Coo flew into
“Not a good day,” sighed the apple tree (Whispy,
“Mommy? May I have the milk?” said King Dedede,
finally coming to.
Whispy hit him in the face.
“Bad doggie,” muttered Dedede.
“That’s more like it,” said a smiling Whispy.
And so Whispy Woods began a fearsome grudge, stuffing up things
for everyone else like he always does. Did you hear that Whispy?
Yes, that’s right! I’m insulting you! What are
you going to do about it?
Anyway, I was just about to explain what happened next.
Chuchu arrived back at the river and went straight to her
good friend, Kine.
“Kine, you’re my friend, right?”
“Yes,” said Kine.
“You owe me a favour, right?”
“Yes, you do. Well, I need you to help me with so-”
“I’m not eating Kirby.”
“Oh… in which case, do you have any firearms?”
“Fish don’t keep firearms,” said Kine exasperatedly.
“Now be quiet. I’m trying to finish eating this
Chuchu thought desperately. “But Kirby hit me.”
“He WHAT!!!!??????” said Kine, completely forgetting
his manners and grammar.
“He told Whispy to throw an apple at me.”
“Hmm… perhaps I could kill him, after all.”
“That’s the spirit,” said Chuchu, straightening
Somewhere fairly close by, Kirby was talking to Nago. “And
I think Chuchu is trying to kill me,” he concluded.
“I need your protection.”
“What do I get out of it?”
“You can eat Pitch.”
Kirby pulled out a baseball bat. “If you see Chuchu
come by, hit her with this. Then cook her.”
“I don’t think I can eat her… maybe if I
take the ribbon off first?”
“No, no, the ribbon is part of the flavour.”
Chuchu stormed into King Dedede’s castle and went straight
up to Dedede.
“WHO DARES DISTURB MY PEACEFUL SLUMBER?” roared
“It’s the middle of the day.”
“WHO DARES DISTURB WHATEVER I WAS JUST DOING?”
Dark Matter flew in and possessed Chuchu. “Ha!”
it said. “Now I can take over the world!”
“Dark Matter,” whispered Dedede. “I don’t
mean to alarm you, but you just possessed Chuchu.”
“Chuchu is a female octopus.”
“A female octopus.”
screamed Dark Matter, fleeing the scene. “I POSSESSED
Chuchu woke up and snuck discreetly out of the room via the
room of Bells and Heavy Metal Instruments.
“Our afternoon meal is getting away!” roared Dedede.
“Quick, stop her!”
“It’s morning!” shouted Chuchu, buying herself
“It is? Funny, I could have sworn… wait! Get her!”
Millions of Waddle Dees made a dash for Chuchu, missed slightly,
and fell into a giant pit. Chuchu climbed down the castle
walls and left, passing Kirby on the way.
Kirby stormed into King Dedede’s castle and went straight
up to Dedede.
“Mr Penguin?” said Kirby.
“DON’T CALL ME THAT!”
“Call me ‘Mr. Penguin’.”
“Could you help me kill this octopus?”
“I’d never do anything for yo-”
“It’s a girl octopus,” whispered Kirby quietly.
“A girl!? I see,” said Dedede, stroking his beak.
“All right, I’ll help you.”
“Are we friends now?”
Kirby shrugged. “One day you’re going to wake
up and find that you really need a friend after all.”
“I am?” said Dedede, surprised.
“Yes. You’ll… you’ll be sorry that
you didn’t make yourself a friend when you could have,
and you’ll forever try to make up for it, but you’ll
never be able to reclaim all that time you wasted trying to
work out whether ‘you’ll’ stands for ‘you
will’ or ‘you shall’ when you could have
been working out who your best friend was.”
“But not right now?”
“Not right now.”
“Well, I’ll worry about that later,” said
the King. “Meanwhile, let’s throw stones at female
“Sounds good to me!”
Rick panted heavily. “I need a break.”
“Shut up and keep digging,” said Chuchu, poring
over her… that’s disgusting, isn’t it? You
know, the base word “pore” and and octopus featuring
in the same sentence? Never mind.
“What the heck is the point of this exercise?”
Rick put down the shovel and collapsed onto his back.
“If we dig trenches deep enough, we can… um…
push Kirby in!”
“I see…” said Rick. “So that’s
why we’re digging the trenches?”
“And what exactly are all these mounted periscopic slingshots
“That’s need to know,” said Chuchu, straightening
“I think I know what you’re planning,” said
Rick. “But if you’re going to do what I think
you are, these small pebbles won’t be enough. We need
“You’re joking,” gasped Kine, who somehow
was walking on land.
“It’s hard enough getting a Gordo off your front
lawn,” said Chuchu. “How are we supposed to use
them as weapons?”
“We threaten them,” said Rick. “Tell them
we’ll destroy them if we don’t help.”
“And the Gordos are supposed to believe we can destroy
“No, but if they think we’re being that stupid,
they’ll help anyway.”
“Good thinking,” said Chuchu.
Kirby walked up to Rick. “Hi, Rick!” he said cheerily.
“Listen, I’m trying to murder Chuchu. You see
her, over there? Yeah, the one shouting at me. Well, I’m
going to need your help. You’re a- wait! Why are you
helping Chuchu? Are you on her side? Well, I’ll ha-”
Kirby was interrupted by Chuchu hitting him in the face, sending
him flying off Pop Star.
“Thanks,” said Rick. “I was worried I wouldn’t
be able to get away.”
“No problem,” said Chuchu.
“Now you’ve done it,” said Kine. “If
Kirby is flying through space, how are we supposed to kill
Chuchu thought about that for a while. “Comic coincidence.”
Kirby somehow landed back on Pop Star into a pit of Ticks.
The evil kind.
Now, I’ll just remind any people who haven’t given
up yet that Whispy Woods is to blame for all of this. Yes,
that’s right. Go to your gaming console of choice and
beat him up a bit. Isn’t that better, now?
A few hours later, in a peaceful part of Green Greens, a Waddle
Dee was trying to draw another Waddle Dee. It may have been
successful, but using air as a canvas has its drawbacks.
The infamous Gooey snuck up behind the Waddle-Dee-drawing
Waddle Dee who was drawing a Waddle Dee who was being drawn
by a Waddle Dee.
He drooled slightly at the thought of his next meal. “Mmm…
drawn and depicted Waddle Dee…”
“HI GOOEY!” said Kirby. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TODAY? ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THOSE TWO WADDLE DEES?”
“Be quiet!” hissed Gooey.
“Oops,” said Kirby. “They’re running
“No problem!” Gooey’s tongue shot out towards
the Waddle Dees.
They scampered up a hill and dived behind a tree, but the
tongue followed them. The Waddle Dees ran towards the nearest
pit of spikes available.
Kirby turned to Gooey, whose tongue seemed to be extending
to the length of a Kirby-style sandwich (that is, very long).
“I need you to help me kill an evil octopus,”
“The one that we’re friends with?” wondered
“No problem! I’ll just-” At that moment
Gooey’s tongue ran into a Nruff’s back, causing
him considerable pain.
“I’ll just be leaving now,” said Kirby,
Meanwhile, on Shiver Star, Ado was almost done painting a
nasty, scary unconquerable machine that would take over the
world. Luckily, she realised at the last moment that this
action might have negative consequences. Hastily, she drew
a big smiley face on the front of the machine.
“There,” she sighed. “A nice, jolly, jovial,
peaceful machine capable of taking over the universe after
obliterating it and destroying every little creature in it.”
(That was deliberate irony.)
Back to Pop Star:
Coo awoke from his dazed stupor.
“Are you okay?” said Whispy Woods.
“Fine, fine,” said Coo. “Incidentally, does
it happen that you heard that joke I made earlier? About the
possible double meaning of wise to result in antonymous descriptions?
Ha ha ha! And I said, ‘wise guy’? And that mea-”
Whispy hit Coo with a bough.
“Some people are better left unconscious,” he
can take a bird out of his nest,” squawked Pitch. “But
you can’t take the nest out of me!”
Rick and Chuchu exchanged wary glances.
“You have a nest inside you?” said Rick.
Pitch thought about that.
“Metaphorically,” he decided.
“So I can’t use the scalpel?” said Chuchu,
“You still can,” said Rick. “But you won’t
find anything but a lack of spine.”
“Are you calling me gutless?” said Pitch fiercely.
“Oh. That’s okay, then. As a ma- hey! I am not
“You have no backbone,” said Chuchu. “Unlike
me. As I am an octopus. A kind of mollusc. Molluscs inherently
Pitch glared angrily at Chuchu. “All right, then. I’ll
help you beat Kirby. But not because you threatened me.
“You see, there comes a time when a bird realises that
the most important thing of all is friendship. And if the
only way to preserve our sacred bond of friendship is for
me to beat the living daylights out of my pal Kirby, so be
it. After all, I-”
A large rock landed on Pitch. And this wasn’t just any
rock. This was the only inanimate rock in the entire star
“Oh, my,” said Rick in awe. “Is that a non-living
Chuchu shook her head in disbelief. “I believe so.”
“Mmmph!” said a small, ugly, irrelevant little
bird stuck under the rock. And seeing as nobody like Pitch
anyhow, I think he’ll stay there for at least the duration
of this sentence.
Pitch was in terrible, terrible pain as a kind of karmic retribution
for getting in the way half the time when the author was trying
to play Dreamland 3. He shuddered, and screamed, and- what?
No takers for Pitch torture? Okay, moving right along:
you’re never going to survive in a fight if you keep
stuffing your face with melons.”
Kirby ignored Nago.
“If you don’t stop eating those melons, Kirby,
I’ll scratch you!”
Kirby looked around desperately for a distraction. “Look!
A mindless rock!”
“Ha!” said Nago, making that evil smile-like face.
“There are no inanimate rocks on the whole of Pop Star!”
The inanimate rock ironically landed on Nago.
“Okay, maybe I was wrong,” considered Nago.
The rock rolled off him to perpetrate further dastardly deeds.
Kirby sat up. “Two hundred sextillion watermelons in
three minutes! That’s got to be a record.”
“Quite possibly,” said Nago. “But as for
the task at hand: insofar as I can tell, we have a lot of
opposition. I think that Chuchu has a lot of support on her
side. We need some way to get a few of her friends onto our
“What about Rick?” said Kirby. “I can fake
his handwriting. Blackmail is fun.”
“And how exactly would that work?”
Kirby produced a candy pen and a large leaf, and quickly scribbled
Nago picked up the leaf and read. “Wow, it’s just
like Rick’s handwr- ‘I, Rik teh amstur, iz dooing
“It has to be incriminating,” explained Kirby.
“But Rick doesn’t spell like that.”
“That’s why it’s called blackmail. If anyone
sees that in Rick’s writing, he’ll be the laughing
stock of Pop Star.”
“I doubt that,” said Nago. “How about this
picture of Rick pretending to- well, you know?”
Kirby looked at it. “Amazing! How did you mock that
“Excuse me for a minute,” said Kirby, walking
outside of Nago’s makeshift home.
Nago waited patiently.
“HA HA HA HA HA! RICK… HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…
HAS AN IMAGINATION! HA HA HA HA HA HA AA HA HA HA HA!”
Kirby came back in.
“I’m done now,” he said.
Nago smacked himself in the forehead with one paw. “How
are we supposed to threaten Rick without going behind enemy
“Maybe if we spend someone expendable,” said Kirby.
Kirby and Nago stared at each other for a moment.
“YOU!” they shouted, pointing at each other at
the same time.
They both laughed hard. “Ha, of all the coincidences,”
“Yeah, it’s ju-”
“YOU!” they shouted, pointing at each other at
the same time.
“Helph,” said Gooey, whose tongue was still stuck
to a snow-waddledee.
Nago and Kirby grinned maliciously.
“Leath me heah!” said Gooey, changing his mind.
“Pleath leath me here!”
stood at the edge of the Neo Star chasm, pondering.
Dark Matter rose up from the depths below. “Finally,”
it said. “I have you.”
“No!” said Meta Knight, raising his sword. “You’ll
never take me.”
Dark Matter charged.
A large rock landed on top of Dark Matter. “Argh!”
it exclaimed. “I’ve been crushed by a stone!”
“Not just any stone,” said Meta Knight. “That’s
an inanimate stone! That must be the only one light-hours
“Really? Wow! I’ve been crushed by a non-thinking
rock!” Dark Matter shivered in delight, imagining the
reverence that surely would be felt when a tell-all biography
“If you’re thinking of writing a book about this,”
said Meta Knight, “give me a copy. It would never have
happened without me.”
“Shut up,” said Nightmare, approaching them. “I
have a Nruff!”
“My sword will beat your Nruff any day,” said
“Let’s have a Kirby Spinners Duel to find out!”
considering the wisdom of the Nago’s cattle prods, Gooey
had decided that he would go over to Rick after all.
“Hi, Gooey,” said Rick, seeing him approach. “Whatcha
“I go to blackmail you,” explained Gooey.
“Ha!” said Rick. “You don’t have anything
to blackmail me with, unless you have the photo which shows
me masquerading as-”
Gooey showed the photo of Rick ‘masquerading as-’
to Rick. Rick gulped.
“Kirby, you help beat Chuchu, or someone see photo,”
“What’s wrong?” said Chuchu, walking up
to them. “Is he harassing you?”
“Yes,” said Rick. “He’s try-”
“Shut up, Rick.” Chuchu looked at Gooey. “Is
he harassing you?”
“No?” said Gooey.
“What’s going on, guys?”
“He,” said Rick, pointing at Gooey, “is
trying to blackmail me into fighting against you.”
“Gooey…” said Chuchu. “That’s
not very nice.”
“Yes it is!” said Gooey, literally drooling over
a pile of sandwiches.
“Ew! That’s disgusting!”
“What are you gonna do?” said Gooey, dancing from
side to side.
“Must… keep… calm…” the octopus
“I lick you!” Gooey’s tongue hit Chuchu,
Chuchu switched to not-so-nice-girl mode. Her tentacles shot
up, aimed at Gooey’s left eye…
Gooey was saved from the wrath of Chuchu when a giant rock
landed on top of him, giving him all the protection he needed.
“Grrr…” said Chuchu. The rock rolled off
“You know,” said Rick, “for an inanimate
object, this rock takes threats seriously.”
“No kidding,” said Chuchu, pounding Gooey to a
pulp. “Maybe that’s not really a rock.”
“Then what is it?” said Rick.
They both laughed merrily. “Good one,” said Rick.
“A stone! Ha ha ha!”
Gooey, battered and bruised, managed to grab a fragment of
lollipop with his tongue. Over-cute music began to play.
“Look out!” screamed Chuchu, but too late, as
Gooey went running at full speed, collecting Rick as he zoomed
out through Cappy town and its residents.
“Mummy,” said a small Cappy wandering the streets.
“Why is there a hole in that nice man?” (NT: Spelling
of ‘mummy’ may vary between regions.)
“That’s nice, dearie,” said King Dedede,
who was posing as a small female Cappy (quite unsuccessfully,
I might add).
“You’re not my mummy!”
“I’m not, dearie?”
“Mummy doesn’t say dearie! Mummy says shut the
f-” onomatopoeia blocked out the next word “-
“Curses,” said Dedede. “Okay, I’m
not your mother. I am King Dedede. I challenge you to a duel!”
Dedede and the Cappy child produced tiny little paper fans.
“How on earth are you going to duel here?” said
a conveniently placed bystander.
“It’s simple,” said Kirby. “They stand
there silently until the light shines just right, then they
slap each other silly.”
“Ah,” said the enlightened stranger.
Dedede and the Cappy child looked at each other calmly. The
sky turned a deep orange.
A quiet yet tense Spanish riff sounded from a nearby house.
A brief silence as the two foes stared each other down.
The light shone just right, bouncing off a weird reflective
contraption to give the appearance of a large exclamation
mark, floating in the air.
They slapped each other simultaneously, and fainted simultaneously.
“That was unexciting,” said Kirby.
A Waddle Dee nodded, then noticed who had spoken. It fled,
waving its arms.
“Oh well,” said Kirby, “at least all isn’t
lost. I trust you’ve found Rick?”
Gooey ran up, stars still flashing on his body. “Yesh!”
“Good boy, Gooey. Run along.” Kirby turned to
Rick. “This is going to be fun,” he smiled menacingly.
“Do you expect me to talk?” said Rick bitterly.
“No,” said Kirby. “I expect you to dye.”
“You can’t do this to me!”
“No,” said Kirby. “While you’re tied
to this paper crane, you can’t escape. I can do anything
to you, even kill you. And you are going to dye.”
“Oh, please no!” wailed Rick. “Don’t
“Oh, it won’t be me who kills you,” said
“But I don’t wanna dye!” sobbed Rick.
up on the first ring. “Hello?” he said.
“You’ve got to help me,” came a voice at
the other end of the phone. “They’ve kidnapped
me. I- I found a Star phone on the floor. Please! I need help.
You’ve got to save me! I think they want to k- but I’m
not going to dye. If you help. Please! Or I’ll dye!”
Coo hung up. “Whispy.”
“What is it, Coo?”
“Somebody has kidnapped our mutual friend Rick. I think
they want him to dye.”
“Oh no,” said Whispy Woods. “Okay. Let me
“Is there anything we can do to help him?” said
“Yes. There is a secret compound, made from the very
apples the people fight over. It is useful both as a weapon
and a diversion, as its taste is irresistible, and it has
a pH of 15.”
“A pH of 15?”
“Yes. It is called apple sause. Pronounced with an emphasis
on the ‘s’, unlike ‘sauce’.”
“I heard you say that already.”
“Well, just in the event that there is somebody out
there reading about our every action, now it’s quite
clear that whoever is writing about us doesn’t spell
badly. Now quick! We must prepare the sause before Rick dyes.”
“So how do we make this sause?”
“You see all those walking trees in the nearby clearing?
They’re all my children.”
“Do you have parents?”
“No, don’t be stupid. Flowering plants do not
“But you just-”
“Quiet. Now once upon a time, I had a child. She was
called… I forget. And before you ask, I know it was
a she because she always wore a ribbon in her leaves. On Pop
Star, that’s a guaranteed sign of femininity.”
“Well, I asked her to go to my granny an-”
“You just said that you didn’t have parents!”
“Are you blaming me for continuity errors? Give me a
moment… aha! I meant Migrannie. An old, wise…
er… talking tulip. Anything goes here. So this little
apple tree went to good ol’ ‘Grannie to discover
the apple sause recipe.”
“So what is it?”
Whispy looked firmly at Coo. “Are you sure you’re
ready to hear this?”
“As ready as I ever will be.”
Coo waited. Whispy paused to contemplate. Finally, he looked
“Alas, Sally didn’t pay attention when ‘Grannie
taught her the apple sause recipe. It was lost eternally.
As in forever.”
“So the entire point of that anecdote was?”
Whispy explained to Coo the point of the anecdote.
“Oh,” said Coo.
Pitch and Dynablade stormed towards Nago’s home, where
Rick was being held captive.
“I just hope we aren’t too late,” said Pitch.
Rick screamed as Kirby continued to torture him. “Aagh!”
screamed Rick. “I’m dyeing! I’m dyeing!”
go!” Pitch rammed into the door, but was nowhere near
heavy enough to break it. He dropped to the ground.
Everyone stared at him.
“He said he knew how to open doors,” said Chuchu
sadly. “He was a great bird.”
They jumped inside through the hole-in-the-wall hole in the
“Stop right there!” said Dynablade.
Kirby turned around and smiled. “What are you gonna
do to me? Grab me and fly away?” he challenged.
Dynablade grabbed him and flew away.
“Are you okay, Rick?” said Chuchu, approaching
“They made me dye,” said Rick softly. “They
wanted all of these ghost costumes dyed pink so that they
could pose as females and infiltrate our homes.”
“Your paws - they’re pink!”
“I’ll be fine. It washes out.”
“Okay, then,” said Chuchu. “Let’s
get the h---* out of here!”
They did so.
3 - Resolution, Denouement, Conclusion, Berceuse and Finale
two masses of fighters faced each other. You could cut the
tension with a knife.
“I know,” said Kirby. “Why don’t we
“Good idea!” said everyone.
“But first, can we reach some sort of climax?”
suggested Coo, who was very wise.
“Okay,” said everyone.
“And it should be exciting after that anticlimactic
and rather unfunny joke about dyeing,” he added.
“Okay,” said everyone.
“And we should cut out the group voice thing. We’re
all separate people.”
“Okay,” said the majority of the individuals.
Everyone fell quiet.
“So…” said Chuchu. “Are we going to
Wind whistled through the blades of grass in Green Greens.
“CHAOS!” screamed Kirby, charging towards Chuchu’s
army. He ran fast, and stopped only when he collided headfirst
with the rock which Chuchu was standing on.
“Ooo… ergh…” he mumbled, lapsing into
Everyone else stood silent in shock.
“That was… an inventive tactic…” began
Silence once again came upon the greens.
“CHARGE!” added Chuchu.
It was just like a medieval war movie, except it wasn’t
a movie. Or a war. Or medieval. And the only things rushing
headfirst at each other were unarmed Waddle Dees. They burst
into smoke at first contact.
“Remind me again,” said King Dedede, who was very
fat. “Why did we enlist all these Waddle Dees to fight
Nago shrugged. “They come with free hats,” he
guessed, as about ten Waddle Dees ran into his back and imploded.
“Weren’t half of those on our side?” said
“Possibly,” said Nago. “Look! I got a sailor’s
“Well I got a invisible caps!” exclaimed Gooey.
opposite side of Green Greens, Rick and Dynablade were sitting
back, trying to get some rest.
“The Waddle Dees can be distracting,” muttered
Dynablade, as a group of Waddle Dees with umbrellas exploded
on her back.
“Maybe we should actually fight each other,” suggested
“What do you mean?” said Chuchu.
“As in ceasing our distraction and scare tactics and
actually trying to hurt our enemies.”
“Of course,” said Chuchu in awe. “It’s
brilliant. It’s original. We get our armies to fight!
Rick, you are going to be remembered for your amazing idea
for a long time.”
“And how long is that?” said Rick.
“However long it takes me to convince everyone that
it was my idea.”
think they’re planning something,” whispered Nago
“Mf. Wha-?” said Kirby, looking up from his bowl
of sugar coated Waddle Dees.
“I think they’re planning something,” repeated
“Good,” said Kirby. “The sooner Dedede and
his evil minions come up with a plan for us to fry that horrible
octopus, the soo-”
“No, no, no,” said Nago. “Chuchu and her
army of suicidal Waddle Dees. They’re up to something.”
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” said Kirby,
looking up from his bowl of sugar coated Waddle Dees.
“Our enemies are planning something.”
“Oh,” said Kirby. “So what do we do?”
“I don’t know; that’s why I told you.”
“Okay,” said Kirby. “We need someone smart
to help us think up a plan. Like…”
“Yeah, he’ll do.”
twelve minutes later…
Rick and Meta Knight dragged a struggling Coo towards Kirby.
“Meta Knight!” said Kirby. “Are you on our
“No,” said Meta Knight. “I’m actually
Kirby gasped in shock.
“It was just a joke,” laughed Meta Knight. “You
know, a joke? Because this story is supposed to be funny?”
“Right…” said Rick. “Funny.”
“I’ll never help you!” said Coo. “This
entire battle is poin-”
Kirby inhaled Coo to become
Using his amazing powers of thought, foresight and logic,
Kirby deduced what his opposition was planning.
“Uh oh,” he said. “I think they’re
genuinely going to attack us!”
“What do we do?” said Nago.
“Run around in circles screaming,” said Kirby.
“Good thinking,” agreed Nago.
“Waddle Dees!” ordered Kirby. “Run around
The Waddle Dee has evolved to do exactly that with a high
level of skill. The Waddle Dees quickly organized themselves
into the most chaotic formation imaginable, and then, taking
their time, hastily started to run around in circles.
“They can’t talk,” Dedede whispered to Kirby.
“You’ll just have to imagine the screaming.”
Kirby tried to imagine what Waddle Dee screaming would sound
“What does that mean?” wondered Rick.
Chuchu paused to interpret. “She’s saying they’re
surrounding themselves with panicking Waddle Dees. They’d
perform a near-impenetrable shield.”
“You don’t really talk like that, do you?”
“I’m not telling.”
“Nobody seems to appreciate me any more,” muttered
Chuchu stood tall. “Everyone! Let’s kill Kirby!
Now or never! Do or die! Freedom or death! Hate or peace!
Speeches or action! Black or white! Politicians or intelligence!
Justice or law! Bright or dark! Humour or this speech! CHARGE!”
Everyone charged. No, I’m not going to say something
funny like ‘charged it to their VIP card’ or ‘charged
their Warp Star cell phones’. That would be too predictable.
said Kirby. “They’re charging at us. Nago, go
over to Chuchu and tell her to surrender!”
“No way,” said Nago, trying to remove a ball of
yarn from his claws.
“Gooey, you do it.”
“Uh?” said Gooey, tripping on his tongue. “Uh…
Nago picked up Gooey and tossed him to the other side of the
landed on a tulip, incurring the wrath of Chuchu.
“WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SQUASH THAT BEAUTIFUL TULIP WHO
NEVER DID YOU ANY HARM IT IS NOT LIKE IT WANTED YOU DEAD OR
ANYTHING SO NOW I WANT YOU DEAD AND I AM GOING TO POUND YOU
INTO THIS SHARP PIECE OF WOOD LIKE THIS TAKE THAT AND THIS
AND THIS IS FOR THE TIME YOU LANDED ON THAT OTHER TULIP SO
TAKE THAT AND BY THE WAY WHY ARE YOU HERE?”
“Oo-er…” said Gooey, who was really quite
“Well?” said Chuchu impatiently.
“Oh. Uh… surreh- no, render!”
“Surrender!” said Gooey happily.
“They surrender?” said Chuchu.
“Ya!” said Gooey happily.
“Oh,” said Chuchu. “I guess that means we
can stop fighting.”
“You’re actually taking a non-violent approach?”
said Rick in wonder. “Chuchu, that’s fantast-”
“Come to think of it,” said Chuchu, “we’d
better blow them up just to make sure.”
Rick sighed, incurring the wrath of Chuchu.
“HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY DECISIONS REMEMBER I AM A
FEMALE SO DON’T BE MEAN TO BE AND DON’T HURT MY
FEELINGS BECAUSE YOU’LL MAKE ME ANGRY AND YOU WOULDN’T
LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY ALTHOUGH COME TO THINK OF IT
I ALREADY SEEM TO BE ANGRY SO I GUESS THAT’S OKAY THEN…”
and Nago sat on the other side looking at the mass of angry
Cappies and Bronto Burts heading right for them.
“I don’t think they’re surrendering,”
“Really?” said Nago. “Well, at least we
have the elusive Scarfy on our side…”
A considerable number of Scarfies hovered above their heads.
“Attack!” said Nago.
“Er… please attack!” said Nago.
“Oh well,” said Kirby. “If they can’t
protect us, I can always eat them.” He tried to inhale
The Scarfies, aggravated by the noise, transformed into the
deadly demonic death-dealers of Scarfydom, and flew headfirst
into the Bronto Burts, causing them to explode with considerable
“Go Scarfy things!” cheered Kirby, rummaging through
“Uh… Kirby,” said Nago. “I took the
popcorn out to air. It’s behind that rock.”
“Did you eat any?” said Kirby, retrieving the
“Half a kernel.”
“Urge to kill… rising…” muttered Kirby.
“Must… kill… Nago… but first…
popcorn Waddle Dee… delicious bite-sized pieces…
of Waddle Dee… fried to a crisp… Maxi combo only…
of fighting later…
“This is horrible,” said Whispy Woods, looking
towards the bloodshed (had Dreamlanders had blood) and death
(could Dreamlanders have died) that was occurring on the reddened
Green Greens (if Whispy wasn’t colour-blind).
Coo stumbled over to the shade of Whispy Woods. “Kirby
broke my wing,” he said, still in shock. “He thought
that owl tastes like chicken.”
“Ridiculous,” said Whispy Woods. “Owls are
a lot sweeter.”
Coo nodded in confirmation. “Exactly. And besides, he
could have eaten- wait, how do you know what owl tastes like?”
“OH NO, A WAR!” shouted Whispy, motioning towards
“Oh, how terrible!” said Coo. “We must end
“Tell them that what they’re fighting over isn’t
true, Whispy! They’ll only believe you!”
“CITIZENS OF DREAMLAND!” shouted Whispy Woods.
Over on the battlefield, everyone turned to look.
“THIS WAR IS POINTLESS! WHAT YOU ARE FIGHTING OVER NEVER
never happened,” said Rick, stunned.
“What are we fighting over, again?” said Chuchu,
flattening a few more Waddle Dees against walls.
“I can’t remember now.”
is exciting,” said Kirby, munching on a few fish skeletons.
“And why are we warring, anyhow?”
“Good queshon,” said Gooey, lishping badly.
don’t think they get you,” said Coo.
“I can see that,” said Whispy, slightly aggravated.
“YOU WERE FIGHTING OVER AN APPLE THAT FELL FROM MY BRANCHES!”
The people of Dreamland were sceptical.
“What if he’s lying?” shouted someone.
“Let’s kill Whispy instead!” shouted another
Everyone charged towards Whispy Woods.
“Well, I may not be able to fly,” said Coo, “but
if I start limping now I should be well clear of the area
by the time they get here.”
And with that, he fled.
“No! Don’t leave me here!” said Whispy,
trying to follow Coo. Granted, he was more or less invincible,
but he shuddered to think of the sort of humiliating things
they might do to him.
The army of Dreamlanders closed in on him.
“No!” said Whispy Woods, trying to escape. He
then realised he was rooted to the spot. In his attempts to
follow, many apples went flying from his leaves, and all of
them landed on Kirby’s head. As earlier stated, Kirby’s
head was soft enough for the apples to bounce off and squash
or render unconscious everyone except for Kirby and Chuchu.
Kirby and Chuchu stared grimly at each other. “So it
comes to this,” said Kirby.
“You two! Listen!” said Whispy. “Nobody
told me to drop that apple. It was an accident. I tried to
move towards you, forgetting that I was rooted to the spot
by my roots. And an apple landed on your head. Heads.”
“Oh, okay,” said Chuchu. She and Kirby made amends
in the space of about half a second and went back to their
passionate kissing. “That explains everything,”
said Kirby. “Except…”
“What?” said everyone else at the same time.
“You’re smart, Whispy. How could you have forgotten
that you’re immobile?”
“Unless…” said Rick.
“…it was part…” said Nago.
“…of a plan…” said Dedede.
“…to draw us all to war…” said Coo.
“…to lead you to our doom,” cackled Dark
Matter, floating in above the scene. “Looks as if I’ve
won this time! Now I’ll just possess you all…”
“Not so fast!” said Kirby, throwing a strange
substance in front of you. “This Jello ought to take
care of you! I owe that much to the people of Dreamland, and
Kirby’s jello slithered out into the open, making weird,
abstract crackling noises as it surveyed its surroundings.
The sunlight reflected a multitude of colours from it, including
opal, blue, crystal, navy, aqua, and marine. It was a massive
form with horrendous protrusions which may have been bubbles
or baubles or boils; it was simply too shiny to tell. The
silence which surrounded it only added to the eerie feeling
that this was a desert someone should have eaten a long, long,
time ago. And now it was there to, perhaps, eat Dark Matter.
It melted in the heat.
“There goes that,” said Kirby. “Um…
Dark Matter closed in on the crowd.
“NOT SO FAST!” shouted Ado. “My very pretty
destruction machine will destroy you all! I mean, destroy
Dark Matter! Not… jealous… about relationship
between Kirby and Chuchu… despite blatant size difference…
I mean, because of… DIE, DARK MATTER!”
Furiously, she ran towards Dark Matter brandishing her paint
brush, tripped over a blade of grass, and was still.
“I can’t take this idiocy any more,” said
Dark Matter. “I’m going.”
And with that, Dark Matter took his leave.
Everyone cheered in relief.
“It’s over!” said Kirby. “Everything’s
back to normal!”
“Pitch is dead,” pointed out Kine.
“So?” said Kirby.
Everyone fell silent.
“Um… I don’t have anyone exotic to nibble
on?” suggested Nago.
“Not much of a reason,” said Kirby.
Everyone continued to cheer in relief.
And the citizens of Dreamland all lived happily and fruitfully
(get it? Fruit? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha not funny, tikitikirevenge,
not funny) ever after.
Or at least for quite a while.
I’d say four days tops.